Emmmm where to start...............

So taking inspiration from a wonderful college friend, whos blog I recently found, I've decided to start one myself. Now as the title suggests this is gonna be a record of all my dramatically crazy doings and, most importantly, thinkings (which some would say are past the point of madness at times). I am aware I am a crazy person, which up until lately has prevented me from being me. I know its a thing most of us go through, but I went through a crappy break up (silly boy cheated after 2 and a half years!) last year and ended up with a serious issue with my self confidence. I put on weight, I cried ALOT and developed some serious committment, intimacy and trust issues. Turns out, I was allergic to my pill! Came off it 9 months after "the break up" and am since a different person. My ego has expanded again and I no longer hate what I see when I look in the mirror. U would think this would help with the other issues. But no....................................I am still a pile of stupid when it comes 2 boys.

Recent example of my madness is kissing 23 boys in 2months.............just kissing (I could be doing more but I am not the 1 night stand kinda girl). Now, even I know this is excessive, and I know this is a response 2 something.....................which is more than likely my giant crush on a guy I've worked with for almost 3 years and have known for years before that. He's pretty much taken up residence in my head for the past few months and work is almost painful (work in close proximity, not in a desk job, with quite alot of brushing past each other). We knew each other while single years ago and he went away for a few months and we talked almost every day. But when he got home I had a bf (the silly yoke who cheated!) and we kinda stopped talking so much and he started going out with another girl (who at the time I though was a psyco, but couldn't say that of course!!). Now, I have never been physically attracted to him at all, but looking back, he always had a knack of keeping me hooked on his every word, I've always wanted to impress him, subconsciously. I supose we click. Its weird in that I have never had that click with any other guy, not even my best friends. So supose there has always been a subconscious crush there.
So anyways he broke up with the long term gf last October and I supose I can say I started looking at him differently then. But it was just a fleeting thing then. It took flight at Christmas. One night in work he was talking about his ex (who I know quite well) and about the new girl on the scene and I got a bit of a twang in my stomach. Was just the 2 of us working that night so kinda had 2 go along with the convo. Had a work night out a few weeks later and I noticed myself staring at him!! Like I honestly though I was mad when I woke up the next day! So the Xmas party rolled around (we have ours after Xmas) and I had some issues with one or two of the lads (really sweet guys who drank 2 much and got kinda handsy) so I said it 2 my uber crush and he pretty much became my body guard for the night. Everywhere I went he was there, and it was just a really good night! Looked at my photos the next day and he's in 90% of them! SO got the bus home with him and he was cuddling me and had his hand on my knee. Got home and ended up at a house party. Now the drink had stopped flowing well before this. Gave me a piggyback down to the house and dragged me on to the balcony where we talked for ages until the lads came out for a smoke. The we went up to the kitchen and its a bit of a blur by he kissed me, yep HE kissed me! He walked me home and there was some more kissing (to be honest I would have had him in my bed if my parents weren't there!!). So that was a monday and wasn't due in work till the following sat. We kinda chatted abit, totally shallow stuff about pics and statuses on facebook for the following week and I was like a pile of jelly in work the following sat!! Like I could hardly speak, I am great with lads usually, unless I fancy them! So I got home that night and emailed him and I may have mentioned something about 4getting it ever happened, which I sooooooo didn't want 2 do! But due to my wonderful commitment and self preservation issues I didn't wanna put myself out there 2 get hurt and yada yada yada so I denied the night meant anything 2 me. It actually meant more to me than anything thats happened in a while!
So things went back to normal and we were at another party a few weeks ago and was at the bar chatting away to him, supose I was flirting slightly. And something made me say "I have really bad taste in men!!" to which he replied "Excuse me? What about me??". So I go.....................wait 4 it................."I though we weren't talking about that"!!!!!! YES I'M THAT THICK!!!!!!!!! So I'm sure u can imagine the self hatred. And it gets better! At the bar chatting to another ex work mate and I hear (from a supreme drunk friend to uber crush) "If u like (my name here) go 4 it!!". So I panic and kinda ignore it and wander off (yep idiot, but a drunk idiot to be honest!). I go to the bathroom and he's at the bar chatting away to another friend (who is GORGEOUS and he gets on REALLY well with) and they are chatting ALL night!! I get jealous, get quite drunk, and rant 2 his best friend about how much I adore mye uber crush and think he's just amazing......................ARGH!!!! So he disappears off with the other girl (self hatred increases!!) and I'm not really sure what hapened there but he came back chatting 2 one of my other friends who had told him I was feeling kinda jealous!!! Don't really remember getting home (I'm a student!!) But work the next day was hell!! Claimed to have alcohol induced amnesia when I was talking 2 him the next day, don't think he belived me.
So now I can't stop thinking about him, doesn't help we both have a slight facebook addiction and are constantly online so I have the biggest urge to stalk him a bit (which I am proud to say I do not do, I am not a facebook a stalker!!). Like I have 2 stop myself from commenting on his activity and statuses and stuff coz I'm fairly sure he knows I'm crazy about him but he's being just totally normal. Ugh I hate how I can't seem to control my feelings, they need to go away...............and I know its sooooo wrong but I'm hoping we both manage to get to the summer single so maybe something could happen (we both part time workers, students, so summer is when most of the work action happens!). But I know he won't be. Like he's not classically good looking at all, like I mean he's cute, but in a totally unobvious way! But he's a nice guy, like just really sweet. I know it sounds sooooooo corney but he has the ability to make you feel important from one conversation, I like talking to him (which is more than I can say for alot of my ex's, they were either just physical stuff or just going along with things coz it was easier than hurting some1!) This is proper feelings and I hate it! And I have a feeling it coulda gone somewhere if I wasn't so full of issues about everything!!! I'm one of those girls who knows half the lads in work fancy me (I don't see why and I don't have an ego coz of it!!) and others think I'm stuck up, but its coz I sometimes don't really know what to say to some of them, I get hugely intimidated and scared that they'll think I'm a stupid girl so I push my football knowlage out there and pretend to be really into the xbox and be really into boy stuff (like I am a bit of a man, but an unbelieveable girly girl also) so I dunno. It takes alot for me to admit that I do care what people think of me, but I don't like people to know that about me, I am strong, not a wuss! And I know its not healthy, I really just wanna be myself but am terrified that me isn't good enough................I'm me with my uber crush and I think thats why it feels right...................................

Right so you were warned about the drama queen status stuff, imagine being my friends and having 2 listen t this daily??? I honestly feel for them!! Love you guys!! xxx